When checking my e-mail minutes ago, I got this lovely note from the mailing list of DavidGray.com:

davidgray.com is really sux..
and maillist owned by me
so sux privacy

hehehe...

Anyone else on the mailing list get this? Hacker possibly? I have blocked them from my mailing list. Not that that matters my address is now out there. All I have to say is that this person really needs to learn how to spell. "maillist". And the grammar is terrible. "davidgray.com is really sux..". What tense is this supposed to be? Jodi's tonight for new years.

FAMILY TRIP TO THE MALL. I don't think I have ever bought as much stuff in one day as I did today. Two tops from H&M, pants for $15.00 at the Gap (originally $48.00), leather shoes at Parade of Shoes and a reflective vest for running at night. Going to the mall makes me very insecure. Too many skinny made over young women that make me feel that I just didn't pay enough for my clothes. Tomorrow night I'm going to be with Jodi. I was told that we were going to have a party, but come to find out it will just be the two of us. I'm going to buy some Smirnoff Ice and Kalluha to ring in the New Year. In a way, I think I would rather stay at home that go out with just Jodi. Who knows, maybe I will have fun.

I have spent about a good five hours revamping. I added a page with pictures and a little biographical information. I don't even think anyone reads this, but if anyone ever wants to know what I look like they can just take a peak at the picks. I am very cheap. Thus explaining all of the free web stuff. Blogger, geocities, yahoo web mail and the guestbook, all free. Ran into the ex last night in wal-mart. Very ackward. I was there with my parents. They left me behind so that we could say hello. I couldn't even look at him because sadly i'm still attracted to him. Not emotionally, but damn I think he is still sexy. Then an extreme feeling of guilt came over me. In a way I felt like I was cheating on Alex. I felt bad for the feelings I was having.

A phone call with Alex today didn't go all that well. He was feeling ill and didn't have much to say. He is on break and all of his thoughts are consumed with the gre's. Because I have graduated and have never taken the gre, I really can't relate to what he is talking about. All of his talk of grad school makes me feel really depressed. Am I missing out on something? I also get depressed when he speaks of the future (grad school and all) and speaks as if I won't be in the same city as him. We really need to start talking about future plans.

another night another edit

Today was slow. I wrote alex a letter while I was at work. Then I hid the evidence in my bin, left for home and forgot it. Doesn't really matter because I doubt I would have mailed it. I just need one question answered. Why is it that I won't have to shit all day, but the minute I get one mile from my house I have to go? Whenever I go running I have to shit. That is a fact.

By the Way. I'm giving graduate school a second thought.

Ah Christmas. It just isn't like I remember it. There was a time when I enjoyed being with my mother's family. It was my two cousins, Tim and Kim, their parents and my grandparents. We would gather at our house on christmas day and exchange presents. We would eat, talk and have a good time. Well, the "kids" have grown up (my cousins and myself), my aunt and uncle have become two of the most selfish people on this planet and my grandmother passed away in september. My grandfather just sat on the couch with his crossword puzzles. My father and I paced around the house looking at our watches waiting patiently waiting for the day to end. My mother bitched about having to make the dinner all by herself eventhough my aunt said that she would help out. My cousin Kim spent the whole time on the phone talking with friends from back home (Syracuse), and her brother and my uncle tried to rush dinner so that they could leave and go catch a movie at 2:45. Not to mention the fact that my grandfather insisted that dinner be at his house this year. That meant that we had to be in a house that wasn't the cleanest for about three hours.

On a more pleasant note, I got a card from my sweetie yesterday in the mail. That was quite a surprise. It really isn't like Alex to send my things out of the blue. I can't believe how much I miss him. So far we have the weekend of January 11-13 set aside for a visit. By that time it will have been five weeks since I've seen him. I'm starting to forget what he looks like. I can't wait to call him tomorrow to thank him for sending the card and to tell him how much I miss him.

Presents Received

digital camera, cordless phone, clothes, toiletries, Office Space on vhs, Ben Folds "Rockin' the Suburbs", Sarah McLachlan "Solace", a desk chair, $100.00 gift certificate to H&M, and many cards from loved ones.

Once again I was running down McGowen Rd. Felling good about life and my daily workout. When a bad case of the golly woggles (aka trotts aka the runs) hit me. I had to do a sort of run/ walk home the whole time clenching my ass so to keep the feces from expelling itself in my pants. Let me tell you, this is the most unpleasent feeling one will ever have. I did make it home without going in my pants, sat on the toilet for a good twenty minutes, put my p.j.'s back on and then went back to bed. Now I'm questioning whether or not I want to try this again after dinner. Word is there will be a good storm. Hopefully later tonight.

Well, blogger's template page is missing its information. So my plans to play around with the formatting have been ruined for the day. Plus, this might be a lot easier once I get my cable connection. Jan 9th.

It's Saturday and I'm playing around with my Blog.

What a week it has been. Tuesday night my ex appeared on im and began writing to me. This had been the first time we had contact in about two months. It all started out fine and then took a switch for the crazy. My ex began to go into detail about a recent car accident he had been in that involved a drunk driver. This driver was kicked out of college for the incedent, as had my boyfriend a semester ago for failing too many classes. He then began to tell me all about his bouts of depression and how it has gotten so bad that he is seeking help. At first he seemed to blame it on me for a relationship gone wrong, but then he confessed that it went much deeper than that. His problem now is that he wants to get the help but is unable to pay for it. He could get the money from his father but is frightened of telling him. To me it seems as if this whole situation is a lot more fucked up than he lets on. The ex told me that the school he got kicked out of won't let him come back until he gets counseling. My question is, why does he need counseling for failing out of school? He told me that the school thinks that he is "too unstable emotionally" to come back. Well, once again, what does that have to do with failing some classes? I'm beginning to think that the reason he got kicked out of school goes deeper than just some failures. My ex seems to have been hiding a lot since the break up. He even was hiding a lot when our relationship was on the rocks. I just can't seem to not be worried about him. I think that this also bothers the new boyfriend. I told him about the car accident and his response was that I can't worry about my ex because I did all I could do for him when we were dating. This is very true, but I really don't feel like picking up the newspaper one day and reading in the obituaries that he has taken his own life. In other news, three more weeks till I get to see my sweetie. Damn those winter breaks. While i'm up here in the rural wasteland, he is down in Long Island sleeping in late and not having any cares. Sometimes I still wish I was in college.

By the way. There is something really great about having a boyfriend who is a poetic writer. Especially when he is currently living over 100 miles from you.

Woke up this morning to the sound of ice/rain hitting the roof. By the time I was showered and dressed the roads were completly covered and schools were closing. Of course, i'm no longer a student and workplaces hardly ever close. Not to mention the fact that when your working you usually need the money. In my case I really do need the money. The next two weeks I will only be working four days, so I want to pull in as many five day weeks as I can. Having not been employed long enough, I don't get things like sick/ vacation days. Speaking of work, I don't think i've mentioned the lovely "dog lady" who sits behind me. This woman is 57 years old, lives with four dogs (show shelties), has never been married, and has a cubicle filled with images of her dogs. All of her dogs have human names and all are related in some way. She has pictures of them in clothes, with santa, in competition and as her screen saver. Today she brought in her brand new christmas cards. These cards are the kind that you would make with a photo of your children. The difference being that she used a picture of her dogs, and she is going to be sending them to 11 of her closest family and friends. She prodly displayed the cards to her co-workers and gloated. Honestly I can't stand dog people. This woman smells like wet dog and has clothing and an office chair covered in dog hair. The "dog lady" then proceeded to tell one of our co-workers that she had once brought her dogs to the humane society to get a picture with santa. Well, she exclaimed that she loved the pictures but one of her dogs got a cold. You can just imagine how much she thinks animal shelters are a harbinger of disease and filfth. She is a dog snob. Can't blame her when she spends hundreds on bred shelties and "school" as she calls them. I get a kick out of all the people I work amongst. I've noticed that there are a lot of overweight females with huge 1987 Cher hair. One of these lovely ladies was in the bathroom today. She was spraying her already massive hair with large amounts of hair spray. You know you have a problem when you carry around a can of hair spray "in case of emergencies". Obviously, due to todays high levels of humidity, she must of been having control issues. I think I should do a case study on these women. Why must you make your hair as big as your body? Are you trying to take the focus away from your ass? I shouldn't be so cruel. I know that I could easily gain weight. The difference is that I don't over eat and I run four miles everyday. Most people are just lazy and have big appetites.

Bought a digital camera with the christmas money given to me by my grandfather. Just another toy to play with.

This is the latest I have stayed up since August. Having a job that makes you rise at 5:30am isn't very condusive for early morning bed times. Went to see Vanilla Sky with a long time friend this evening. She recently got her first boyfriend and she is 23 years of age. Needless to say, her entire life is wrapped up in this man. She barely exsists anymore, and if she is around it is because he is working or is out of town. Not that I have a right to complain about this. I once was in a relationship that swallowed up all of my thoughts and time, but then that relationship ended and I realized how much of my life had not happened because I was with him. I had lost many of my friends. I had lost hopes and dreams for myself. My entire future was planned with him in mind. Then he left. So yeah, I worry about my friend. She isn't young, but she is inexperienced.

I began one of these a year ago and then gave up on the old site when my ex broke up with me. I found that I was using the blog just to post my aggressions towards him. Knowing that he frequented the sight, I posted many lies trying to make him feel as empty as I did. Then finals came along and I lost all momentum. I got sick of using the site as a means to vent about him and just gave up. Now i'm a college graduate with a new boyfriend. With my B.A. i'm working at a job i'm over qualified for and not getting paid as much as i'm worth. I stare at a computer screen all day and edit account information for a well known bank that has its origins in Boston. Most of the people I work with have just a high school diploma and listen to the Neil Diamond Christmas album. They often ask me why i'm working at such a "crappy" job, and I reply "well, I couldn't find anything else". The truth is I wasn't thinking when I switched my major, at the tender age of 19, from history to music performance. Right now my boyfriend would love it if I were attending graduate school to become a high school teacher. He would love it because not only would we be going to school together, but we could also be sharing future professions. His goal is to become a high school/college professor english teacher. If you ask me I know he would much rather do something with music. That is how we got to know one another. He was a english/music major and I was also studying music. So now I continue with the blog tradition. For as long as I can keep momentum I will keep posting.